I always knew about God/Jesus etc. I believed everything in my head, but not my heart. I was raised in the church so I knew everything about the Bible, but I didn't really take it all seriously until I was 14.
It was when we were singing the song Shout to the Lord in church, and a light came on. I realized God wanted more from me. And I told him I would do whatever he wanted me to do. I made him Lord of my life for the first time.
From the beginning:
I had a great childhood at first. I remember playing outside a lot and we had a lot of different pets. I had friends in the neighborhood and my older brother who loved to hang out with me. :) I was a very happy kid and we were a happy family. My parents would read Bible stories to my brother and I every night and sing worship songs. We always listened to worship songs in the car. We were at church all the time.
But when I was six and my dad essentially attempted to rape me. I was napping with him and he tried pulling my underwear down and tried rolling over on me. I kept pulling them up and then jumped out of the bed, told him that was not ok, and went to my room. When my mom came home I told her what happened, she reported it and he was sent to jail. But needless to say my childhood was ruined. I grew up much faster than most kids do. I went to counseling for years after that and went to sexual abuse groups etc. Luckily that is all that happened though. God spared me from more. But it was still quite scarring to my soul. It still did a lot of damage to how I perceived myself, others, the world, and God.
I continued to grow up in church with my mom and brother. I learned all there was to know about Jesus and the Bible. I was in Awanas in grade school and memorized a lot of verses.
When I was 8 my dad moved back in with us. That year at school I remember crying a lot. My teacher was very kind and would always hold me when I would cry. I think I was afraid my dad would try something with me again. I was just confused. Perhaps I was sad that he was back and I didn't want him to be. But the psychologists said he was completely healed and we could be a family again. They were wrong though, cause he was just convicted about a year ago of something with another little girl. So don't listen to psychologists for the most part. They don't know what they are talking about.
Our family moved to Nebraska when I was 9 so my dad could find work. My parents then divorced when I was 10. My mom, brother and I lived in a homeless shelter for about 2 weeks because my dad wouldn't move out of the house. All my pets ran away in that time because he didn't feed them. :( It was a very sad time in my life. My dad was mad at my mom, even though he deserved the divorce of course. He would always talk badly about my mom to my brother and I. He had a girlfriend right away, before my parents were even officially divorced. After they were divorced he married my step mom. She was a very mean, critical woman who didn't like kids and she actually told us she didn't like kids. She was about 28 and my dad was about 38 or so. I never felt like she loved me or even liked me that much. She made me feel like I was not good enough no matter what I did. She was an atheist and never wanted to go to church. The love of God was not in her at all, so that was my first time being around a complete atheist in my family. Pretty much everyone else in my family knows and loves God. She left my dad when I was 15 or so.
When I was 14 my mom and I moved to California to be by her family again. It was also to get me away from my dad, which was a very good decision by my mom. My grandma, my mom's mom, inspired me a lot to change and be good. I had gotten into some trouble in junior high, sneaking out etc. I tried smoking, drinking. I shoplifted a few times and just had bad friends that I did a lot of bad things with. We vandalized property etc. It was a cry for attention really. My mom didn't seem to be there for the most part after the divorce. She fell into a long, deep depression. So my brother and I seemed to be on our own.
Once we were in California I met some really good friends at church and at school. I had an amazing youth group and my youth pastor was just phenomenal. I had great teachers. I got into basketball, choir etc and just had a lot of great mentors in my life for the first time really.
I officially gave my life to Jesus at 14 and went on some missions trips. I went to India and Taiwan and Mexico. I called my dad some on the phone when I was in high school and we would talk. It was mostly him talking. He was not, and never has been, very good at listening. He really just cares about himself, obviously, given the things he did. So I didn't really like calling him but I felt obligated to since he was my dad.
For college I went to Biola University. I started out majoring in Biology because I wanted to be a scientist of some sort but then switched to English when I couldn't seem to handle Chemistry. :) I starting going to a lot of counseling there. My counselor advised me to stop talking my dad so I could really deal with my anger over the past. He was pretty mad about that and left me a message saying I would be dead to him. Oh well. That's my dad for you. I always felt like he needed me more than I needed him. So finally I was set free. It was for the best. I cut communication with him then when I was about 21 and have not talked to him hardly at all for the last 7 years, and I don't intend to ever again most likely. I have forgiven him, but forgiveness does not mean you have to reunite with someone who abused you. You have to take care of yourself.
I stopped talking to him not just because of what happened, but because his heart seems to be continually getting more and more black. He is becoming more and more destroyed from the inside out. He seems to be morphing into a monster in some ways, which is probably due to living with the guilt of what he did to his own daughter. He has been drifting away from God of course. So it's best that I stopped talking to him.
Despite my crazy childhood, I have never been suicidal. I didn't drink at all in high school or smoke again. I did try pot a couple times though. I had some serious relationships, but all high school kids do for the most part.
I have never really been depressed. I did struggle with anxiety in college though. So much so that I would throw up at times from my anxiety. It was just because there was a lot of pressure to get good grades and be the perfect student and Christian there etc. It was a bit overwhelming at times.
After college I was somewhat disillusioned that I did not meet my husband there, so I ended up loosing my virginity to a boyfriend who was an atheist and not a good person at all. He manipulated me and pressured me, so that was how it happened. I had a lot of shame about that so have not really shared that in my testimony before. I had planned and hoped my whole life to save that for my husband for when I got married. But that didn't happen.
For jobs after college I worked with kids a lot. I have known it was my calling to work with kids for quite awhile. I wanted to help them have a better child hood than I did and to have more happy memories than I had.
I got really involved in church after I broke up with the guy and went to Bible studies almost every night of the week. I was a camp counselor two summers. I had a few other relationships but not too many and none worked out. Then I worked on a cruise ship. After that I moved to Nebraska to be by my brother. I met a great Christian guy at one of my jobs, and as crazy as this seems, we moved in together. We were not officially married but considered ourselves married under God. He could not marry me legally because he was still married to his ex wife. But I felt the whole two years we were together that it was God's will that I was with him. Towards the beginning of my being with him I felt God say to me one day, "What if he dies?" I told God I had faith that I would still be ok and I knew he would take care of me no matter what. But how odd that I had that thought, like God was trying to warn me.
This guy helped me to trust men fully for the first time. I began to believe that men could be faithful and that they could be a good father. He had two kids and seeing him with them made me seriously consider having kids myself. We ended up trying to have kids together but he was taking testosterone shots so that prevented that.
He then died two years after we met, due to drinking while he was on several prescriptions. I was distraught to say the least. I had not really been close to any guy, to any human being as much, before him. I had never opened up and shared so much with another person and loved another person as much as I loved him. I was incredibly close to him. After his death I went to live with my mom in California for a bit. I knew I could not stay in the apartment we had. I then went to Australia for awhile to clear my head. Then I moved to Kansas City to live with a friend.
I met who is my husband now after I moved to Kansas City. I was praying in my car one night around Valentine's Day that God would send me someone else, someone like the guy I was with before who died. I missed him so much and wanted to have all of that again. I believed God would replace what I lost. About two weeks later God answered my prayer and I started talking to my husband now. We married pretty quickly because I knew he was who God had sent me. :) I could tell right away that he was just as good of a Christian guy as the one I lost and that things would be great with him. :) And they have been. :)
We got pregnant right away. In my time with the guy before I finally became convinced that was God's will for me was to have kids. I had been on the fence about the issue my whole life before, due to what happened to me with my dad. But praise God he has blessed me with my husband now and we will have our little daughter in two months, whom we will name Serenity Grace. :)
I have come through a lot, but God has always been there for me. When I was little I considered God my father instead of my actual father, given what happened. After the guy died, I clung even closer to God and he comforted me greatly in that time.
The main praise to God about my testimony is that despite the pain of my dad betraying me etc. I didn't get into drugs or drinking heavily. It's also amazing that I didn't become suicidal after the death. I considered it seriously a few times, but knew I couldn't actually do that to my mom. I knew she had/has been through so much already and she wouldn't be able to handle loosing her daughter too. So God stopped me from that. But I was quite depressed for quite awhile about his death.
But God has restored all things and brought my life full circle.
I don't know entirely why God allowed my dad to do what he did. Perhaps just so I could tell my story and write about it and help others who have gone through an abuse also. I can comfort others with the comfort I myself have received from God. I can say to others that I have been there, that I have recovered, and I can offer hope that recovery is possible and you can be whole again. YOU can be whole again, if you are reading this and you were even abused. God can restore you and heal your heart completely. Don't worry. Just trust him and give him all of your pain. :)
About the death, I can now say I have experienced grief over someone very close to me dying. Before I hadn't really. So I know what grief is like. It is very hard. But "this too shall pass," if you are now grieving someone who died. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just hang in there. :)
God is always with us. No matter what we go through, he will not leave us. You just have to lean on him. And the more pain we experience, the more we need Jesus and the more we learn to lean on God. We become more and more humbled with the pains of life and run to God all the more.
In regards to the sexual abuse I just wanted to say there is such a thing as generational curses. These need to be broken. When abuse happens it kind of opens a door to Satan in your life and things can be passed down generationally. I read a book called The Bondage Breaker about 5 years ago and did everything in that. There are prayers you can pray through etc. to get freedom. I also just read Born to be Free, which is similar. I highly recommend both of these to any of you.
Also my church just had a class called Free Indeed and we worked on breaking curses etc.
Another book that helped me tremendously regarding sexual abuse specifically and all the emotions that result from that was The Wounded Heart by Dan Allendar. Check it out if you or anyone you know was ever sexually abused. It will help. And I have been in several support groups which have also helped a lot too.
Counseling, reading recovery books, and getting in support groups are the best three things you can do besides reading your Bible and praying. :) In some cases deliverance may be needed. Possession still happens and exorcisms still happen. Find a charismatic church in your area if you think you may need this.
I hope you can share your story with someone too. Start a blog and write it out! That would be great and very healing for you, trust me. Or just journal it out. :) Everyone has a story. And everyone needs to hear your story. So share it if you feel led to. :)
"We overcome the enemy with the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony."
Some verses that really give me hope are;
“And my God will work all things together for the good of those who love Him.”
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
“We are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.”
“Behold you are a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come.”
And that Jesus said, “I am going to prepare a place for you so that where I am there you also may be.” Amen!
And here is my new favorite song :) Check it out :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw
May God bless you abundantly! :)
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