What does it mean to honor your mother and father? I have struggled with this concept my whole life given what my father's character is and what he has done.
Lets look at how Jesus interacted with his parents. After all, he is the example that we are supposed to follow. We are meant to be conformed more and more into his image as we grow in our Christian walk. Jesus was never without sin therefore he always honored his parents. So how did he interact with his mother and father?
When Jesus was only 12 his family went into Jerusalem for the Passover Feast. He did not go with his parents. He stayed behind in the temple teaching the priests. Mary was mortified that he would do such a thing to them. "His mother said to Him, “Son, why have You done this to us? Look, Your father and I have sought You anxiously.”
49 And He said to them, “Why did you seek Me? Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?”
If you really think about it, that was kind of an un-submissive response coming from a 12 year old son. It could be seen as disrespectful. It could be seen as flippant, like he didn't really care about his parents and their feelings. Yet somehow he still honored them. Interesting. He did what he wanted to do, or rather what his Heavenly Father wanted him to do, but he still did not dishonor his parents even though he terrified and upset them.
Secondly what happens when Jesus is an adult? Mark 3:31-34 "Then His brothers and His mother came, and standing outside they sent to Him, calling Him. 32 And a multitude was sitting around Him; and they said to Him, “Look, Your mother and Your brothers are outside seeking You.”
33 But He answered them, saying, “Who is My mother, or My brothers?” 34 And He looked around in a circle at those who sat about Him, and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! 35 For whoever does the will of God is My brother and My sister and mother.”
In saying this he somewhat disowned his mother and brothers. Why did he do this? Another gospel book says that his mother and brothers were saying in that moment that he was crazy. Jesus knew why they were there. He knew that they were trying to stop his ministry and dissuade him from doing what his Heavenly Father wanted him to do. So he said "Whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother." He came out of identifying with his biological family and now identified with the family of God, the church. Yet he never dishonored his parents because he was without sin. Interesting.
When I was a kid my dad, ironically, put a huge banner across the wall of my room that had this verse, "Honor thy mother and thy father that it may go well with you and that you may live long on the earth." Talk about a twisted thing to put up given the circumstances. And talk about religious abuse and using the Bible to get what someone wants. What did my dad mean by putting up this verse in my room?
It could have been another way to condition me to do what he wanted. It certainly was a way to control me.
But should we honor our mother and father regardless of what they do? Do they have to earn the right to have the authority of a mother or father over us? Yes I believe they do.
When I started doing some serious counseling in college my counselor advised me not to talk to my dad anymore. To not call him etc. He was very mad about this and told my brother and mom that I couldn't possibly be seeing a Christian counselor because a Christian would not advise someone to not talk to a parent. But on the contrary, look at what Jesus said about his own mother and brothers. He said that "whoever does the will of God is" his family. My dad was not doing the will of God by any means, and still is not. Therefore, he was and is no longer my father.
So what does it mean to honor someone? The definition of honor is "to regard with respect." So what is respect? Respect is defined as "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements." Therefore respect is conditional upon what another person does.
If someone had a father who was a murderer would they still have to honor that person? This is where is gets into a grey area. Yes they should honor and respect them as we need to respect and honor all of God's creation generally.
But I love the quote "Respect is not given, it is earned." If someone has not earned our respect do we still need to respect them? If someone insults you and disrespects you do you still need to respect them? We are called to love our enemies so it is not ok to disrespect them in return. "Do not repay evil for evil but good for evil."
Respect, however, is not the same as completely trusting someone or letting them have any say over your life. People have to earn the right to have a say in our lives, to help direct us and guide us. How do they earn that right? By showing us respect, and by themselves being submitted to Christ's leadership.
Respect to me is simply not yelling at someone, not talking in a condescending tone to them, and being generally kind. Respect is looking out for the interests of others and not only yourself.
I do not think honoring our parents is doing everything they want or tell us to do.
Whenever we let someone or something ultimately control us, other than God, we have made that thing or person an idol. "All things are permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything."
When we are children, yes we need to do whatever our parents tell us to do, unless it contradicts Scripture. But when we are adults we look to God for our instruction, not our parents.
The purpose of parents is to show us the character of God. We are to learn discipline and self-control from our parents and how to be law abiding citizens etc. But when we become adults, we are supposed to be able to make our own decision with the help of God. We come out of the headship of our parents and into the headship of God. God is our master now. God is who we seek direction from.
To continue to follow a parents will for our lives, rather than God's, is to make them an idol. To follow anyone else's will for our lives other than God's is to make them an idol.
May God increase mine and your wisdom every day. God we pray for more of your wisdom. Amen :)
Grace and peace be with you! God bless :)
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