The sermon this morning at Crossroads Fellowship was on the topic of toxic people. It is ironic that it was on this topic because one time about 5 or 6 years ago when I was getting my oil changed I picked up a book in the mechanic shop titled "Dealing with Difficult People." I was very intrigued by it and the mechanic even said I could keep it. In the book it talked about different types of people that we come into contact with and somewhat told how to deal with them. It talked about "the tank" and "the bulldozer" etc. People who get angry more easily or some who like to dominate others and run people over.
We all know other people are different from ourselves. This is what can cause conflict, when we fail to understand the differences in the other people in our lives. Everyone is not like us. We are all unique. But there are certain categories you can somewhat fit people into. I like the personality illustration of the Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever and Beaver. I am part lion and part otter. I like to lead but I also just like to have fun often times too. The Beaver is known for being organized; usually they are better with things than with people, and the Golden Retrievers are the most loyal personality type and make the best friends.
In church he talked about four types of toxic people, or rather people acting in sin and what sin they tend to act out of more. There is The Critic, The Downer, The Bully, and The Sponge. The Critic would be the Phlegmatic person or the Beaver. The Downer is most likely the melancholic or the golden retriever person. The Bully is of course the lion, the leader, the type A choleric type person. And the Sponge is sadly what I most identify with, The Otter. :)
We all can have a bad side. With The Critic, their bad side tends to be very critical of others. This is the perfectionist. The one who always has an idea on how something could be better. It seems like they are always on the lookout for flaws in things or other people. They like to fix things, even though others really don't appreciate their attempts to fix things. I have traits of this because my mom is definitely The Critic. In some ways I am grateful to her for this because it caused me to excel in most things I did. Mediocre wasn't good enough. She pushed me to do my best. But sometimes, being critical hurts feelings, obviously. The Critic is like the rabbit from Winnie the Pooh. Our response to this person needs to be, "I will not give you the power to determine my worth." God alone knows who we are because he created us. We are the apple of his eye; He loves us no matter what we do. So try to ignore the critical person in your life, when they are being critical, and listen to what God says about you instead. You are his beloved child whom he loves unconditionally. There is nothing you can do for him to love you more or less. He loves you just as you are; I know this because "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Amen? Amen :)
Next there is the Downer. This is Eor from Winnie the Pooh. Something is always wrong. The sky is always cloudy, or falling lol. Nothing has ever gone right and nothing will ever go right in their opinion. They always look at the negative side of things and think that the worst is going to happen. They are referred to as a wet blanket sometimes. They call themselves a realist but the rest of us know they are a pessimist. They have what would seem to be a chronic negative syndrome. Our response to this person needs to be, "I will not give you the power to determine my mood." If they want to always focus on the negative, don't let them make you do the same. Most of the people that have come across my path fit this personality type. I am always urging them to "think positively." "Don't assume the worse will happen." etc. Try to lift them up when they are down. They need someone to lift them up. :) But don't let them bring you down in the process. Paul says, "Rejoice in the Lord always." That's a command. Always find something to be joyful about, because the fruit of the spirit is joy. :)
Thirdly, there is The Bully. I am not sure what character in Winnie the Pooh this would be. But it is the Lion, the A type choleric person. They like to be in charge and control everything and everyone around them. I can somewhat relate to this because I have always been very independent and I prefer being the leader over the follower. But this person loves to be right and they love to be in control. Sadly most of my main influences have been this personality type so that did not help. My grandpa, dad and brother all fit into this category. They like to tell people what to do. They like to have their opinions heard and recognized. But our response to these people needs to be, "I will firmly confront you if you attempt to intimidate me or control me." Don't let them get away with trying to intimidate you, via sarcasm, a tone of voice, or even insulting you. It is not love to let them continue to do this to you. If you love them, you will confront them so that they cannot continue in the sin of potentially abusing you. God says, "Be strong and courageous." We are not to be weak willed and allow ourselves to be pushed around by people like this. We are to be strong in the Lord and stand up for ourselves. Paul says, "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity but of power and love and a sound mind." We are not to be timid. We are not to be a doormat and let people walk all over us. God wants us to be firmly rooted and grounded, to be mature. Don't let people boss you around. You have only one boss, and his name is God. Fear God, not people, because "fear of man proves to be a snare" but "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Amen? Amen :)
Lastly, there is The Sponge. This is the emotionally needy person. However they are also the most social person. This would be the Tiggers from Winnie the Pooh. They are always bounding with energy, always wanting to talk to someone. This personality type can come off as annoying to the other three types but they are just people people. They love to be around people. I can relate most to this personality trait or type. They need a lot more social interaction than most so they come off as The Sponge. They may come off as clingy or needy. They may give people the guilt trip if they don't want to hang out with them. But our response to this person needs to be, "I will be lovingly honest without feeling guilty and set boundaries with you." As in if you do not want to do something for this person or hang out with them say so and don't feel bad. Everyone should be able to accept our no. Everyone should be able to handle rejection without it totally crushing their spirit. We all have our limits on what are willing to give other people. Don't let this person make you feel guilty if you don't do as much as they want you to. If you have reached your limit in giving, say so, rather than keep giving and then resent it. That is much worse. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." It may be hard to say no to this person, but you can do it. :)
In the book "Dealing with Difficult People" he also talks about how some people can be The Tank, The Sniper, The Maybe Person, The Yes Person, The No Person, The Know It All, The Nothing Person.....
This article describes each of these in detail:
https://www1.cfnc.org/Home/Article.aspx?articleId=2olOzsjjUHXvsyKkZVf1DgXAP3DPAXXAP3DPAX&level=3XAP2FPAX6J7I3kztATGuYyXAP2BPAXDahIQXAP3DPAXXAP3DPAX
"1.The Tank [a.k.a the Bull; the Hostile-Aggressive]
This behavior is by far the highest on most people's unwanted list. When calm and cool, a Tank-like individual is task-oriented and wants to get good results. When stressed, however, the focus on people and their feelings is almost completely obscured by a concentration only on the task.
Tanks want to be in control, to get things done, and often become angry and irrational when they don't get what they're looking for. Some can be quite pushy and aggressive, while others are hostile with a quieter intensity. Regardless of variations, all Tank behavior is rooted in a strong sense of controlling what others do.
2.The Sniper [a.k.a. the Snitch; the Credit-Stealer; the Fox]
When acting normally, Snipers like attention, like people and love charming the crowd. When Snipers become stressed, however, they gain attention at other people's expense by using sarcasm.
They are also famous for verbal shoot-downs in public or sneaky, hurtful dealings behind your back. Your humiliation and passivity confirm to them how clever they really are. Some snipers have better intentions than others, but they all fire indirect or disguised shots at you from behind cover.
3.The Grenade [a.k.a. the Exploder; the Time Bomb]
Grenade behavior is typified by someone who is nice and eager to please but then just blows up from time to time without cause or warning. What's happening here? These nice people are just so eager to meet other people's needs that they forget about their own. When their well of friendliness is sucked dry, they explode with verbal attacks and fault finding.
4. The Know-It-All [a.k.a. the Show-Off Expert; the Bulldozer]
Virtually everyone has a Know-It-All in their life. When functioning normally, Know-It-Alls are smart, capable people and gems of productivity with good ideas and high standards of quality. They basically get things done and know exactly how to do it.
However, when under pressure, a Know-It-All's need to be right and perfect is at the expense of other members of the team. There is a stubbornness to accept alternative ideas, and they may even see them as a threat or a put-down to their own brilliant plans.
5. The Think-They-Know-It-All [a.k.a. the Pseudo-Experts; the Balloons]
Unlike Know-It-Alls, these pseudo-experts do not usually know what they're talking about. Often, they are only partially aware that they are speaking beyond their knowledge, but because they crave attention and praise, they eagerly offer opinions.
Since they tend to get involved in topics they're not knowledgeable enough to debate, their logic ends up being faulty or they set themselves up for embarrassment, which can cause bitterness or resentment.
6. The Yes Person [a.k.a. the Super-Agreeable]
It's hard to believe that such sweet and agreeable people could ever be difficult, but the frustration of others does emerge when it comes time to getting things done.
Yes behavior is rooted in a need to get along with everyone. Fear of disapproval or dejection causes them never to say no or challenge an idea. As such, they take on too much, inducing such stress so that, in the end, nothing ends up getting accomplished.
7. The Maybe Person [a.k.a the Indecisive; the Avoider]
Like the Yes Person, Maybes want desperately to be liked and avoid disapproval and conflict. However, instead of agreement, they avoid disapproval by avoiding decisions. They don't want to be blamed for bad decisions and don't want to make people mad by committing.
This behavior is best seen in people who beat around the bush a lot -- a Maybe's way of compromising between honesty and not hurting someone's feelings. Obviously, productivity is in jeopardy when decisions can't be made by Maybe people.
8. The Nothing Person [a.k.a. the Information-Horder; the Stone Wall; the Clam]
Like the Tank, people with the Nothing trait like to be in control, but they do this by avoidance rather than by aggression. There is usually very little verbal and non-verbal feedback and no volunteered discussion.
Timid Nothings keep ideas quiet to avoid conflict. Perfectionist Nothings figure no one would understand their genius plan, so they let the others do it their own way. Manipulative, controlling Nothings end up leading the discussion since they gather data and force you to get it out of them rather than offer it up.
9. The No Person a.k.a. the Negativist; the Pessimist; the Idea-Destroyer]
No behavior is a standard for perfectionists because of its focus on mistakes and flaws in the task at hand.
As the name suggests, discouragement, cynicism and disagreement are trademarks of No people. They can often bring discussions to a halt since no solution is good enough for them. They look for limitations rather than possibilities.
10. The Whiner [a.k.a. the Complainer; the Wallower]
You can recognize a Whiner in any person who has a strong need to be taken care of. When stressed -- usually with a difficult problem -- Whiners resort to pessimism and statements like "This is just too hard to learn." They want everything done right but when things don't turn out as expected, Whiners become hopeless, complain or want others to solve their worries for them." The article also then gives advice on how to deal with each of these people which is also very interesting.
In the sermon today he also said we need to accept our limitations; meaning we cannot change people, only God can, if he chooses to. We need to accept our differences and understand that other people are different from ourselves and love them anyways. We need to seek to understand each other as much as we can. Don't assume that everyone is like you, because they are not.
We are what we are. God made us all how he did for a reason. I love what Paul says about how all of us are different in 1 Cor. 12. He says how we are all a part of the body of Christ, if we are saved. And all the parts are needed. "If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? 16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling? 18 But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased. 19 And if they were all one member, where would the body be?
20 But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. 21 And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.....” 22 .if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it."
Amen? Amen. What part in God's body of the church are you? I think I am the mouth, since I love to write so much lol. :) I know my best friend and mom are more like the ear because they are great listeners. People who have a vision for the future would be like the eye of the body of Christ, being the church. People who love to do things and serve with their hands are the hands. People who love to travel to other countries and evangelize are the feet. People who feel a lot of compassion for others are the heart. People who love to study and learn more and have grown much in wisdom are the brain.
There is a book called Sacred Pathways that describes how each of us find our own way to connect with and serve God. We are all different and we all see God in different ways. Just because someone sees or hears from God differently than us does not make us or them wrong, just different. Some see God more in nature; that is me. Some see God more in structured services; that is not me lol. Some see God more in music and worship; that is also me. Some see God more in meditation; that is sometimes me. We all connect with God differently because we are all different. :) Check out that book sometime. It will help you understand yourself and others more. :)
May we seek to understand and accept that we are all different and see that we all have a part to play in the body of Christ. We will all always be different, but we were created differently for a reason. May we come to understand what that reason is for ourselves, and for those around us. :) Instead of judging others who are different than you, be thankful that God made them able to do something that you cannot do. Rejoice that they are different because they add more flavor to the body of Christ! Amen :) God bless! Peace be with you :)
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