God Loves You

 God loves you more than you realize.  :)
 
I myself did not realize how much he loves me for a long time.  We all know he generally loves the world, but do you know how much he loves YOU as an individual? 
 
The more I have worked with kids, the more I have understood this love.  God loves me the way I have loved the kids I have worked with.  He wants to take care of me like I wanted to take care of them. :)  He wants to hold me and show me how much he loves me like I did with them.  He wants to wrap his arms around me and hold me in his lap.  He wants to tell me how much of an angel I am and how great and cute he thinks I am. 
 
I am sure I will understand this love more and more once my daughter arrives. :)  Even that won't compare though.  God loves us 100 times more than we love anything on this earth, because he is perfect.  He does not have the selfishness of the flesh to struggle with.  His love is complete and perfect and grand.  HIs love takes up and fills the whole universe! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FxaUYjRtkc

1 John 4:10                    

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins."        

         

Think of this practically, would you let your child die for anyone on this earth?  Most likely no, you never would.  But God, who is perfect, sent his only child to do for us.  That is love. 

Isaiah 41:13                    

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”
 
God does not want us to fear because we are to trust in him.  He is watching over us.  He will protect us.  To worry and fear is to mistrust God.  Fear is the opposite of faith.             

1 John 4:19                    

"We love because he first loved us."
 
If God did not love us, we would not be as capable of loving others or God.  Before Jesus came humans obeyed God out of duty, but their hearts were not really in it.  Like the verse, "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." 
 
After we received the Holy Spirit and a new heart we are now able to fully love others and God. :)  On our own we are hardly capable of love.  Jesus said, "Apart from me you can do nothing."  Apart from God in us we cannot love, really love.  God is our source.  He enables us to love others and Him fully.  Amen. :)               

John 3:16                    

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

God loved us so much that he saved us from an eternal death in hell, where "the fire never goes out."  He will take us, who believe in his son, into an everlasting paradise in heaven.  That is pretty awesome. :)  But so often we take this fact for granted or forget about it.  We always have something to be thankful for, that we are not destined for hell.  Never forget that!  Amen. :)

Romans 5:8                    

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

We did NOTHING to deserve God's favor, grace and love.  We were still sinners, spitting in his face, and he died for us.  Why?  Because that is how much He loves us.  Despite what we did or do, he will always love us.  He created us.  He is our father.  There is nothing we can do to make him stop loving us, because he loved us before we ever loved him. :)        

         

Ephesians 3:19                    

     "Know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

It is fully understanding and knowing God's love that makes us become filled to overflowing.  We then have the fullness of God, because God IS love.  When we fully understand love and His love, then we will be filled to the fullness of God, and we will lack nothing.  We will no longer have any empty cavities or holes.  We will not need to look anywhere else for things to fill us.  We will be completely and totally full in, through and from God.  Amen! :)        

         

Romans 8:35-39                    

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

If you are going through hard times, God still loves you.  If you are being persecuted, God still loves you. :)  Do not confuse your hard times with God having stopped loving you.  Hard times are Satan trying to oppose you and stop you or discourage you.  Keep pressing on.  Keep running.  Keep fighting the good fight.  God always loves you, no matter what you are going through and no matter what you have done.  If you are without food or clothes or near death, God still loves you.  Your lack of things does not mean that God no longer loves you.  When we die, God will be there, for those whose faith is in Jesus.  "To live is Christ and to die is gain."  No ruler can keep God's love from us.  Nothing in the future, no evil power of Satan, nothing in the entire world can make God stop loving us.  His love is always there and it is always available to us.    :)

Jeremiah 31:3                    

     "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."

Psalms talks of God's unfailing love.  His love lasts forever and it never fails.  God is not like man that is fickle and changes constantly.  God is "the same yesterday, today and forever."  He is always faithful.  He will never leave us or abandon us.  He is everywhere and in everything so he cannot leave us.  He will never let us go. 

1 John 3:1                   

"See what kind of love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are."         

         
We were once aliens and now we have become children of God!  We do not stop to think about how awesome that is really!  To be a child of God means that you own everything he does.  You have everything he has.  You will have a great inheritance one day.  You have available to you everything that is God's.  That is huge. :)  We are princes and princesses. :)  We are sons and daughters of the ruler of the Universe!  That is completely and totally amazing. :) 

Galatians 2:20                    

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." 

Jesus said, "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."

Jesus died for us and therefore multiplied himself.  He was one, but when he died, he became many, that is us, the church.  He is now living inside of each one of us.  He multiplied himself in dying so that we could be filled with him, God.  Christ lives in us.  Christ has become part of us.  We, the church, are his body.  He lives and breaths through us.  He reaches the world through us.  Jesus is gone now but we are here, and he lives through us, now, here.  He ministers to the world through us, now, here.  We are his hands and feet, loving the world as he did but now and here.
 

1 John 4:9                    

"In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him."        

         
Before God's light shone in our hearts, we were dead.  "You were dead in your trespasses and sins."  We had no life in us.  We were slaves to sin.  We were mere shadows essentially walking about essentially.  Then God breathed life into us through Christ and we came to life, like the valley of dry bones.  We are now free.  We are now fully alive! :)  "I came that they might have life."  We were once dead, but are now completely and wholly alive. :)

John 15:9                    

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love."        

Jesus loves us as much as the Father loves him. :)  If we abide in God/Christ's love we will be free.  "Perfect love casts out fear."  Fear is restrictive.  Fear makes you paralyzed.  But God's perfect love makes us free and at peace.  :)

We abide in Christ's love by remaining in the word.  "In the beginning was the word."  Christ is the word, the Holy Bible.  As long as we remind ourselves of God's promises and love for us found in Scripture, we are abiding in Christ's love.  "Remain in me and I will remain in you."  :)  Amen.

         

1 John 4:8                    

"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."     

We are able to love others because God fills us with his love to overflowing.  It cannot help but spill out onto others. :)  

         

1 John 3:16                    

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers."        

We need to be willing to sacrifice for others.  We need to not just care about ourselves.  If we would really be willing to die for others, we can say we really love them. 

Hebrews 13:5                    

"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

We do not need to worry about money because God ultimately is our provider.  He gives us everything we need.  He will take care of us.          

         

Mark 10:13-15                    

"And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” 

Jesus even loves children, which back then was harder to believe.  He loves "the least of these."  He calls us to become like little children because little children understand love.  They can love freely.  They do not have prejudices yet or anything holding them back from loving others yet.            

Luke 15:7                    

"Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance." 

God loves the lost more than those who "think" they are saved and righteous already.  He loves those who know they need a savior most. 

Luke 15:1-32                    

"Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man receives sinners and eats with them.” So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. ... " 

Jesus loved the untouchables.  He loved the outcasts.  He loves ALL people.  He does not discriminate for any reason.         

         

Matthew 5:45                    

"So that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."        

God loves the world.  He blesses all equally in some ways.  :)

         

Revelation 3:20                    

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me."

God pursues us constantly.  He is always asking us to let him in, to every part of us.  He wants to be with us and a part of us.  He longs to have community with us, because he loves us. :)            

         

1 Corinthians 13:3-10                    

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."        

         

These are all attributes of God.  These are his nature.  Because God IS love. :)  God is patient.  God is kind.  God does not envy or boast.  God is not arrogant or rude.  God does not insist on his own way.  God is not irritable or resentful.  God does not rejoice at wrongdoing.  God rejoices with the truth.  God bears all things.  God believes all things.  God hopes all things.  God endures all things. :) 

John 15:13                    

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

         
God had the greatest love for us possible because he died for us. :)

John 10:10                    

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."

God does not want to take away our life, as Satan lies to us that he does.  He wants to give us the most full life filled with joy possible! :)        

         

Malachi 3:17                    

“They shall be mine, says the Lord of hosts, in the day when I make up my treasured possession, and I will spare them as a man spares his son who serves him."        

We belong to God who longs for us because he loves us. :)  We are his treasured possession, even though we are so small.  "What is man that you are mindful of him."  Be he knows the numbers of hairs on our head and our thought before we even think it.  How awesome! :)

         

Psalm 103:11                    

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him."        

That is incredibly high.  That is miles and miles of distance from the earth to outer space. :)  That is how much he loves us.  The amount of love we are capable of would probably only be as tall as the tallest roller coaster.  But God's love for us soars way past that. :) 

         

Ephesians 1:3                    

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places."        

What does this really mean?  Spiritual blessings could be thought of as peace, joy etc.  God pours out his peace, joy and love on us.  :)  His grace abounds to us. 

         

Psalm 103:12                    

"As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us."

Our sins past, present and future do not keep God from loving us.  Once we confess them they are forgotten.  He does not remember them again! Amen. :)         

 

Ephesians 3:17-19                    

     "Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

The more we come to know God's love, the more we will be filled with God's fullness, because God is love. :)

Grace and peace be with you all! :)

Journaling

Tips for journaling from my Celebrate Recovery class :)

 
1. Start by writing one thing that happened that day or the day before that you are thankful for. :)

2. Ask yourself everyday:

How am I feeling?

How do I want to feel?
What can I do to make myself feel that way?

3. Ask yourself if you are acting out the fruits of the Spirit:

Have I been loving?  How have I showed love to others?

How is my joy?  What can I do to increase my joy?

Am I at peace?  If not, why not?

Have I been patient with myself, others and God?

Have I been good today, this week etc?

Have I been faithful and kept my word today and this week? 

Would others say I am gentle?  How can I become more gentle?

How is my self-control?  What can I do to have better self-control?

4. Think of ways you may need to make amends to others:

Did I act in an unloving way toward anyone today or this week?

Did I loose my temper this week with anyone?
Did I speak harsh or unkind words to anyone today or this week?
5. Think of how you see yourself:

There are always three potential selves we can perceive; the ideal self, the real self and the despised self.

Do I see myself more as my ideal self?

How can I have a more balanced view of myself and be more humble?

Do I see myself more as the despised self?

How can I have better self talk and encourage myself rather than discourage myself? :)

How can I remind myself more often how much God loves me? :)


GOD LOVES YOU! lol  God bless! :)

Majesty

One of my favorite worship songs with related verses:  :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33ySjUMS9dQ

I first heard this song when I was walking into a Harvest Crusade in Orange Country, CA.  I felt like the angels were singing with everyone on this song.  It was and is so anointed! :)  I love it!

Majesty

Here I am
"Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere." :)

Humbled by your Majesty
"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." 
"Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up."  :)

Covered by your grace so free
"He whom the son sets free is free indeed!"
"For it is by grace you have been saved through faith and this is not of yourselves lest anyone may boast."

Here I am
"Draw near to God and he shall draw near to you." :)

Knowing I'm a sinful man
"All of your righteous deed are like filthy rags." 
"There is no one righteous, no not one....all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Covered by the blood of the Lamb
"You are now hidden with God in Christ." 
"The life I live I no longer live but Christ lives in me."  :)

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
"Greater love has no man than this, that he would lay down his life for his friend."
"I have called you by name, you are mine."  :)

Since you laid down your life
"He emptied himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross."

The greatest sacrifice
"For the joy set before him he endured the cross." :)

Majesty, Majesty
"Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised!" 
"For the Lord is a great God. Thanks and praise are due to God."

Your grace has found me just as I am
"While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  :)

Empty handed, but alive in your hands
"I am the vine, you are the braches....apart from me you can do nothing." :)

Majesty, Majesty
"Yours, LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor."

Forever I am changed by your love
"Behold you are a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come!" :)

In the presence of your Majesty
"Where two or more are gathered, there I am in their midst." :)
Here I am
"Remain in me and I will remain in you."

Humbled by the love that you give
"My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.  I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." 

Forgiven so that I can forgive
"We love because he first loved us." 

Here I stand
"Stand firm then."

Knowing that I'm your desire
"For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only son." 

Sanctified by glory and fire
"He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire."

 Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
"Know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."  Amen! :) 

God bless!

Near Death

My thesis for this blog. :)  I believe right before people die they enter into a  kind of heaven/earth portal so that they are in both worlds at the same time.  This is why people often see angels, demons and people who have already died when they are about to die. 

I just met a lady who was a hospice nurse for a time.  A hospice nurse works with people who are given only about 6 months left to live.  She has told me some very cool stories that people she worked with told her about things they saw before they died.

But first, from famous people who died:

Dwight L. Moody before he died said, "I see heaven opening and angels gathered."

The guy who wrote the Satanic bible, Alistair Crowley, was quoted as saying right before he died, "Oh no, oh no!  I've made a terrible mistake!" :)  Yes he did. 

My friend said: "One of my patients saw my dad but he died 13 years ago.  He said, 'Your dad was in the hallway helping me back to my room because I almost fell and he told me to call you!'"  She asked him to describe what this man looked like and he described her dad to a T, down to his mannerisms and everything. 

She had another woman look past her when they were talking and she said, "There are a lot of demons in here right now standing right behind you."  haha can you imagine someone saying that to you. :)

Another interesting thing is that she said every single patient she worked with that was near death told her they saw a little four year old girl following her everywhere she went.  She had a blue dress on and a blonde pony tail. 

I have heard that our guardian angel looks like a miniature version of us, so they were all probably seeing her guardian angel.  So cool! They said this little girl had a personality just like hers.  :)

Some of her patients didn't realize she couldn't also see this little girl, so when she told them she couldn't, some felt weird about it and didn't talk much more about it. :) lol

Some of the patients said the girl would have a little boy with her that was about the same age that she would play with.  This could have been their own guardian angel if her patient was a man. 

Also something very interesting, most people get a huge burst of energy right before they die.  One man hadn't walked in days and could barely lift a glass of water but then for about 15 minutes he was walking all around the house. 

Another man had been bed ridden for two months.  He crawled out of bed one day, walked around the house and talked to his daughter about the good old days for about an hour.  Then he went back in his bed, cozied up with his favorite quilt, told his wife and daughter that he loved them and said goodbye.  He then died the next morning.

Another lady she took care of only lived one month after a breast cancer diagnosis.  It seemed the day before she died that her body was glazed over, like her body was there but she wasn't.  She kept seeing and talking to her sister who had died years before.   :)

And here are stories from other friends:

A friend I know, her dad died and went to heaven for a bit.  He said he saw roller coasters there and movie theatres.  Everything that we would have here on earth.  He said it looked like a very fun place.  And that people were able to fly everywhere.  The streets were streets of gold.

Another friend I knew, his dad also died and went to heaven.  He had like 7 heart attacks and a bad heart.  He was in heaven and God told him, "You have to go back and take care of your son." 

One of another friend's cousins who was Christian died for almost 7 minutes.  He said he saw the gates of heaven and his family, his brothers and mom, in heaven.  They had already died. 

Also a friend of her family who was an unbeliever was struck by lightning and was dead for about 2 minutes.  He saw nothing but absolute darkness. 

My friend has seen angels and she said their presence feels like a warm rain shower or a warm blanket.  It's like a rush of a warm, soft current of water.  :)

I have felt this somewhat in worship, tingles or yes, a warm sensation.  It's very cool. :)  I never think much of it because I have felt it so many times, almost every time I am singing in worship in church.  Perhaps I am feeling angels, who knows. :)  I have heard that angels like to see how we worship God, like they are curious or something. lol :) 

Another friend said that she knew someone that was dying and saw angels playing trumpets in his hospital room.  That would be interesting. :)

Another friend said she's known people who nearly died and saw angels or demons and went to heaven or hell for a bit.  That really does happen all the time it seems.

Another person saw the streets of gold in heaven and the gates.  They said it was peaceful and warm and bright in heaven. :)  awe :)

A friend also has an uncle who is an atheist and was there when her grandfather died.  Everyone was in the room singing hymns and her uncle said he felt a presence in the room.  He felt like there was something there that was warm and peaceful.  :)

Another friend knows a woman who died in surgery.  She was sucked through a black tunnel that was dark.  She believed she was going to hell.  She was trying to fight it though and ended up coming back to life.  The first thing she did when she could, was go straight to church. lol :) 

Another person she met told her that her dad died during surgery.  He said he went to a bad place but he would not say much about it. But he came back.  Hopefully he knows Jesus now. :(

Another girl died in a drug overdose awhile ago.  She died and went to heaven, but then came back.

And perhaps I will hear more stories to share with you all. :)

May God bless you and increase your faith more and more!  Amen! :) 

Falling in the Spirit

I have had somewhat of an ongoing debate with my husband in regards to falling back in the Spirit, if it's of God or not etc. 

 

Well last night in my dream I fell back in the Sprit twice.   And I felt the most unbelievable peace I have ever felt in my life, awake or in a dream. Basically it was a peace that put me instantly to sleep. I felt someone slowly lay me down so my body did not hit anything on the way down. 

 

In my dream there was a woman standing in front of me that caused this to happen. Of course actually God caused it but God moves through people also.   It was very powerful and unbelievably relaxing. Praise God! :)

 

The timing of that was quite ironic also because then today I got to witness a break through in a girl I've been babysitting.  Her eyes have been a dark brown color for the last 2 weeks I've been watching her, even though her hair is blonde.  But today her eyes were blue again, as they are supposed to be. :)  Praise God!

 

Often times our eyes can reflect what is going on in the spiritual realm.  I cannot say how her eyes were so dark before, but the fact that they are blue again is a very good sign.  Praise God!  And I have been praying for her a lot lately!  God is moving for sure. :)  Praise God!

 

I pray he keeps using me in the lives of those around me, including you reading this! :)  And may he fill me more and more with His Spirit and help me to not be afraid of supernatural things.  Amen! :)

 

I was just kick boxing Satan in my living room a little bit. lol Telling him he better stop messing with people close to me.  It was funny.  Sometimes you need to kick him around a bit, let him know you're serious that he can't mess with you or those you know lol.  May God protect everyone I know right now in the name of Jesus and may demons not be able to come anywhere near anyone I know.  Amen!

My Life Story

I have shared my testimony several times.  The first time was when I was 14.  I was on a missions trip to India with my church.  That was right after I officially made Jesus the Lord of my life. 

I always knew about God/Jesus etc.  I believed everything in my head, but not my heart.  I was raised in the church so I knew everything about the Bible, but I didn't really take it all seriously until I was 14. 

It was when we were singing the song Shout to the Lord in church, and a light came on.  I realized God wanted more from me.  And I told him I would do whatever he wanted me to do.  I made him Lord of my life for the first time. 

From the beginning:

I had a great childhood at first.  I remember playing outside a lot and we had a lot of different pets.  I had friends in the neighborhood and my older brother who loved to hang out with me. :)  I was a very happy kid and we were a happy family.  My parents would read Bible stories to my brother and I every night and sing worship songs.  We always listened to worship songs in the car.  We were at church all the time.   

But when I was six and my dad essentially attempted to rape me.  I was napping with him and he tried pulling my underwear down and tried rolling over on me.  I kept pulling them up and then jumped out of the bed, told him that was not ok, and went to my room.  When my mom came home I told her what happened, she reported it and he was sent to jail.  But needless to say my childhood was ruined.  I grew up much faster than most kids do.  I went to counseling for years after that and went to sexual abuse groups etc.  Luckily that is all that happened though.  God spared me from more.  But it was still quite scarring to my soul.  It still did a lot of damage to how I perceived myself, others, the world, and God.   

I continued to grow up in church with my mom and brother. I learned all there was to know about Jesus and the Bible.  I was in Awanas in grade school and memorized a lot of verses.

When I was 8 my dad moved back in with us.  That year at school I remember crying a lot.  My teacher was very kind and would always hold me when I would cry.  I think I was afraid my dad would try something with me again.  I was just confused.  Perhaps I was sad that he was back and I didn't want him to be.  But the psychologists said he was completely healed and we could be a family again.  They were wrong though, cause he was just convicted about a year ago of something with another little girl.  So don't listen to psychologists for the most part.  They don't know what they are talking about. 

Our family moved to Nebraska when I was 9 so my dad could find work.  My parents then divorced when I was 10.  My mom, brother and I lived in a homeless shelter for about 2 weeks because my dad wouldn't move out of the house.  All my pets ran away in that time because he didn't feed them. :(  It was a very sad time in my life.  My dad was mad at my mom, even though he deserved the divorce of course.  He would always talk badly about my mom to my brother and I.  He had a girlfriend right away, before my parents were even officially divorced.  After they were divorced he married my step mom.  She was a very mean, critical woman who didn't like kids and she actually told us she didn't like kids.  She was about 28 and my dad was about 38 or so.  I never felt like she loved me or even liked me that much.  She made me feel like I was not good enough no matter what I did.  She was an atheist and never wanted to go to church.  The love of God was not in her at all, so that was my first time being around a complete atheist in my family.  Pretty much everyone else in my family knows and loves God.  She left my dad when I was 15 or so. 

When I was 14 my mom and I moved to California to be by her family again.  It was also to get me away from my dad, which was a very good decision by my mom.  My grandma, my mom's mom, inspired me a lot to change and be good.  I had gotten into some trouble in junior high, sneaking out etc.  I tried smoking, drinking.  I shoplifted a few times and just had bad friends that I did a lot of bad things with.  We vandalized property etc.  It was a cry for attention really.  My mom didn't seem to be there for the most part after the divorce.  She fell into a long, deep depression.  So my brother and I seemed to be on our own. 

Once we were in California I met some really good friends at church and at school.  I had an amazing youth group and my youth pastor was just phenomenal.  I had great teachers.  I got into basketball, choir etc and just had a lot of great mentors in my life for the first time really.   

I officially gave my life to Jesus at 14 and went on some missions trips.  I went to India and Taiwan and Mexico. I called my dad some on the phone when I was in high school and we would talk.  It was mostly him talking.  He was not, and never has been, very good at listening.  He really just cares about himself, obviously, given the things he did.  So I didn't really like calling him but I felt obligated to since he was my dad. 

For college I went to Biola University.  I started out majoring in Biology because I wanted to be a scientist of some sort but then switched to English when I couldn't seem to handle Chemistry. :)  I starting going to a lot of counseling there.  My counselor advised me to stop talking my dad so I could really deal with my anger over the past.  He was pretty mad about that and left me a message saying I would be dead to him.  Oh well.  That's my dad for you.  I always felt like he needed me more than I needed him.  So finally I was set free.  It was for the best.  I cut communication with him then when I was about 21 and have not talked to him hardly at all for the last 7 years, and I don't intend to ever again most likely.  I have forgiven him, but forgiveness does not mean you have to reunite with someone who abused you.  You have to take care of yourself. 

I stopped talking to him not just because of what happened, but because his heart seems to be continually getting more and more black.  He is becoming more and more destroyed from the inside out.  He seems to be morphing into a monster in some ways, which is probably due to living with the guilt of what he did to his own daughter.  He has been drifting away from God of course.  So it's best that I stopped talking to him. 

Despite my crazy childhood, I have never been suicidal.  I didn't drink at all in high school or smoke again.  I did try pot a couple times though.  I had some serious relationships, but all high school kids do for the most part. 

I have never really been depressed.  I did struggle with anxiety in college though.  So much so that I would throw up at times from my anxiety.  It was just because there was a lot of pressure to get good grades and be the perfect student and Christian there etc.  It was a bit overwhelming at times. 

After college I was somewhat disillusioned that I did not meet my husband there, so I ended up loosing my virginity to a boyfriend who was an atheist and not a good person at all.  He manipulated me and pressured me, so that was how it happened.  I had a lot of shame about that so have not really shared that in my testimony before.  I had planned and hoped my whole life to save that for my husband for when I got married.  But that didn't happen. 

For jobs after college I worked with kids a lot.  I have known it was my calling to work with kids for quite awhile.  I wanted to help them have a better child hood than I did and to have more happy memories than I had. 

I got really involved in church after I broke up with the guy and went to Bible studies almost every night of the week.  I was a camp counselor two summers.  I had a few other relationships but not too many and none worked out.  Then I worked on a cruise ship.  After that I moved to Nebraska to be by my brother.  I met a great Christian guy at one of my jobs, and as crazy as this seems, we moved in together.  We were not officially married but considered ourselves married under God.  He could not marry me legally because he was still married to his ex wife.  But I felt the whole two years we were together that it was God's will that I was with him.  Towards the beginning of my being with him I felt God say to me one day, "What if he dies?"  I told God I had faith that I would still be ok and I knew he would take care of me no matter what.  But how odd that I had that thought, like God was trying to warn me. 

This guy helped me to trust men fully for the first time.  I began to believe that men could be faithful and that they could be a good father.  He had two kids and seeing him with them made me seriously consider having kids myself.  We ended up trying to have kids together but he was taking testosterone shots so that prevented that. 

He then died two years after we met, due to drinking while he was on several prescriptions.  I was distraught to say the least.  I had not really been close to any guy, to any human being as much, before him.  I had never opened up and shared so much with another person and loved another person as much as I loved him.  I was incredibly close to him.  After his death I went to live with my mom in California for a bit.  I knew I could not stay in the apartment we had.  I then went to Australia for awhile to clear my head.  Then I moved to Kansas City to live with a friend. 

I met who is my husband now after I moved to Kansas City.  I was praying in my car one night around Valentine's Day that God would send me someone else, someone like the guy I was with before who died.  I missed him so much and wanted to have all of that again.  I believed God would replace what I lost.  About two weeks later God answered my prayer and I started talking to my husband now.  We married pretty quickly because I knew he was who God had sent me. :)  I could tell right away that he was just as good of a Christian guy as the one I lost and that things would be great with him. :)  And they have been. :)

We got pregnant right away.  In my time with the guy before I finally became convinced that was God's will for me was to have kids.  I had been on the fence about the issue my whole life before, due to what happened to me with my dad.  But praise God he has blessed me with my husband now and we will have our little daughter in two months, whom we will name Serenity Grace. :)

I have come through a lot, but God has always been there for me.  When I was little I considered God my father instead of my actual father, given what happened.  After the guy died, I clung even closer to God and he comforted me greatly in that time. 

The main praise to God about my testimony is that despite the pain of my dad betraying me etc. I didn't get into drugs or drinking heavily.  It's also amazing that I didn't become suicidal after the death.  I considered it seriously a few times, but knew I couldn't actually do that to my mom.  I knew she had/has been through so much already and she wouldn't be able to handle loosing her daughter too.  So God stopped me from that.  But I was quite depressed for quite awhile about his death. 

But God has restored all things and brought my life full circle. 

I don't know entirely why God allowed my dad to do what he did.  Perhaps just so I could tell my story and write about it and help others who have gone through an abuse also.  I can comfort others with the comfort I myself have received from God.  I can say to others that I have been there, that I have recovered, and I can offer hope that recovery is possible and you can be whole again.  YOU can be whole again, if you are reading this and you were even abused.  God can restore you and heal your heart completely.  Don't worry.  Just trust him and give him all of your pain.  :)

About the death, I can now say I have experienced grief over someone very close to me dying.  Before I hadn't really.  So I know what grief is like.  It is very hard.  But "this too shall pass," if you are now grieving someone who died.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Just hang in there. :)

God is always with us.  No matter what we go through, he will not leave us.  You just have to lean on him.  And the more pain we experience, the more we need Jesus and the more we learn to lean on God.  We become more and more humbled with the pains of life and run to God all the more. 

In regards to the sexual abuse I just wanted to say there is such a thing as generational curses.  These need to be broken.  When abuse happens it kind of opens a door to Satan in your life and things can be passed down generationally.  I read a book called The Bondage Breaker about 5 years ago and did everything in that.  There are prayers you can pray through etc. to get freedom.  I also just read Born to be Free, which is similar.  I highly recommend both of these to any of you. 
Also my church just had a class called Free Indeed and we worked on breaking curses etc. 

Another book that helped me tremendously regarding sexual abuse specifically and all the emotions that result from that was The Wounded Heart by Dan Allendar.  Check it out if you or anyone you know was ever sexually abused.  It will help.  And I have been in several support groups which have also helped a lot too. 

Counseling, reading recovery books, and getting in support groups are the best three things you can do besides reading your Bible and praying. :)  In some cases deliverance may be needed.  Possession still happens and exorcisms still happen.  Find a charismatic church in your area if you think you may need this. 

I hope you can share your story with someone too.  Start a blog and write it out!  That would be great and very healing for you, trust me.  Or just journal it out. :)  Everyone has a story.  And everyone needs to hear your story.  So share it if you feel led to. :) 

"We overcome the enemy with the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony." 

Some verses that really give me hope are;

“And my God will work all things together for the good of those who love Him.” 

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” 

“We are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.” 

“Behold you are a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come.” 

And that Jesus said, “I am going to prepare a place for you so that where I am there you also may be.”  Amen!

And here is my new favorite song :)  Check it out :) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

May God bless you abundantly! :)

A Testimony

I'd like to share my friend's testimony with you all.  Pray for her please. :) 
http://tabbytub.blogspot.com/2013/11/from-madness-to-mercy-and-beyond.html

"I have only shared my testimony twice in my life. Once at Mercy Ministries and once at Celebrate recovery.

There are people who know all or most of my story, and there are some that only know little bits and pieces.

I had a wonderful childhood. I lived in the country, so we played outside all the time.

I grew up in church. I learned about Jesus, and I memorized scriptures and sang hymns. I didn't really know who Jesus was though until I was much older.

When I was 5, I met my biological father. That turned my world upside down, because until that point I knew my step dad as my dad. My parents divorced when I was 8 months old, and my mom remarried when I was almost a year old. The man she married was my daddy, and that is all I had ever known.

I spent the rest of my childhood and teenage years with an on again, off again relationship with my dad. Even though I had a Dad, I grieved the relationship I didn't get to have with my biological father.

 The summer between my 7th and 8th grade year, I went to visit my Dad and (by this time) his 3rd wife in Maine and decided to stay for the school year. It was a great school year in some aspects, but I did not have a good relationship with my step mother. She was not very nice to me, and made me feel like I was not good enough no matter what I did. Sometime during the course of my 8th grade school year, having been depressed for some time and feeling like I didn't belong with this family that I so longed to have a relationship with, I overdosed on ibuprophen.

At the end of my 8th grade year, I went back to Texas for a visit and was told by my dad that I could not come back. I was devastated. This made me feel like he didn't want me, which added to the depression and the feelings of inadequacy I already felt.

Up until 8th grade, I had been over weight my entire life. I was very active in sports that year, and I ended up losing a lot of weight.

In 9th grade, because I was already feeling depressed and because I didn't want to gain the weight back, I started throwing up after meals. It started with one meal a day, and it quickly progressed to binge eating and purging (throwing after meals to avoid gaining weight)several times a day. I did this every day. The binging/purging only fueled the depression and the feelings I had that I was not good enough.

Eventually the depression was too much, and I started cutting myself. At first it was periodically and not very severe. It very quickly became something I did pretty much all day every day. It became an addiction. The cutting caused a sense of euphoria and temporarily relieved the pain caused by the depression.

At the end of 9th grade, I started dating a guy who was a few years older than I was. He always had alcohol, so we drank together. At first I drank with him on the weekends. Shortly after that, I started sneaking alcohol to school in water bottles. I also started taking pills (prescription and over the counter). I was drunk or high every day of high school after that. Somehow I was able to hide this from my teachers and my parents.

Somewhere between 10th and 11th grade, I ended up losing my virginity to this guy I was dating. I felt horrible. I felt like I was worthless. I felt like I was a piece of trash. Obviously, this fueled the depression even more, so the binging/purging, and the pills, and the alcohol, and the cutting just got more frequent and much worse. Eventually I was in a cycle of self destruction that I could not escape from. I was desperate. I wanted to die. I had convinced myself that everyone at school, and my teachers/parents hated me. I felt like I was completely alone in the world with no reason to live.

So on October 30th 2001, I overdosed on Excedrin migraine. I took a handful and hoped it would kill me. I ended up in ICU for 3 days with a tube going from my nose to my stomach administering medicine that I could not swallow to save my liver. After my 3 days in ICU, I was sent to a mental institution. I got out after about 5 days, still the same.

The cycle of self destruction, depression, overdoses, and hospital stays continued through out high school. The day after I graduated high school, I moved away to live with my grandparents hoping that change in address would mean a change in every other way. I was wrong. I will spare you the details, but I continued in my self destructive cycle, in and out of hospitals, praying that I would die but not having the guts to do anything but overdose.

I was going to church, but I still didn't know Jesus. How could I? I was so caught up in my self destructive whirlwind that I couldn't think about anyone but myself.

In August of 2004, I went on a retreat with the college group from my church. It was here that I told the pastor what was going on with me, and that I needed help but didn't know how to get it. He told me about a program called Mercy Ministries (www.mercyministries.org) that helped women like me. It was Christian based, and free of charge. I thought it was too good to be true, but I applied to the program. The application process was extensive. It took several months to complete.

While I was in the process of applying, I continued on my path of self destruction. I had a group of friends from church who came together as a support/accountability team while I was in the process of applying. I could call any of them any time of the day and someone would be there to talk or go have coffee, or whatever I needed. I believe that there are angels on earth at times, and these people were my angels. Once the application process was complete, they told me that I had been accepted, but that I would be placed on a waiting list for 6-8 months. I told the lady in admissions that they could put me on the waiting list, but that I would be dead in 6 months. I knew without a doubt this was true. I hung up the phone feeling defeated. That night, I bought some pills, and took the whole bottle. I thought for sure I was going to die. I even asked God to forgive me. I knew I had messed up.

I woke up the next morning, alive but very sick. Later that day, I got a call from Mercy Ministries saying that I could come in 2 weeks. I don't remember much about that next 2 weeks. I just remember walking through the doors of Mercy Ministries in Nashville on May 5,2005. I stayed at Mercy for 7 months. During my time at Mercy, I met Jesus. I had been in church my whole life, but it wasn't until I was at Mercy Ministries that I really learned who he was and got to know him. When I graduated from Mercy Ministries, I was free. I had peace. The depression and anxiety were gone. I was not interested in doing the destructive behaviors I had been doing. I tasted freedom, and I liked it.

The problem was, Mercy had no transitional program at the time. I was there and then I came home. I did well for about a year, but I didn't have a lot of support and accountability, so pretty soon I relapsed. I was in a full blown relapse where I was back into all of the destructive behaviors I had left behind at Mercy. It was worse this time though, because I knew Jesus, I knew what freedom was like, and I felt like a failure.

During one of the many hospital stays after Mercy, I met a guy who was also a patient in the hospital. We ended up together. Biggest mistake of my life. It turns out this guy was a heroin addict, and would use any drug that was in front of him. We were together for 3 months. I saw things while I was with him that I had never seen before and that I will not soon forget. He busted my windshield. He smoked crack in my car while I was driving through Houston. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, and I was terrified that if I tried to leave, he would kill me. He ended up back in the hospital to detox, and I ran.

I ended up moving back home. A few months later I met the man who is now my husband. We met on Facebook in April of 2009. On July 23, 2009 I drove across Texas to Odessa to meet the man I knew I would marry. Before we were married, I told him about my past and all of the things I had done and had been through. His response was "who is Jesus to you?" I told him he was my Lord and Savior, and he replied "that is all I need to know."

I knew he was the one I was going to married. We have been married for almost 4 years. We have 2 wonderful boys, and life is good. We struggle sometimes with money. Sometimes quite a bit. We fight, as all couples do. I still struggle sometimes too. I am in recovery, but I haven't found freedom again like I did when I left Mercy Ministries. One thing I do know for sure, though, is that God is the same now as he was when I graduated from Mercy. He will never leave me or forsake me. I believe he is waiting for me to completely surrender to him, and that freedom will come when I do. I will get there. I will say this; Freedom is real. It comes from giving your life to Jesus and letting him truly be the Lord of your life. Just because I have slipped a time or two and made mistakes, I know that he is still with me. God is good (ALL THE TIME!)